One of our favorite things the Bangor Police Department does on Facebook is their "Got Warrants?" segment. This week's installment features a man named "Ron" n an ingenious way to steal wine. and a person who was threatened by a person their spouse was dating. Huh?

Here are this week's highlights from the BPD Facebook Page:

Let’s get to it. “Got Warrants?” for Wednesday 06/28/2017

Officer Jordan Perry wrote a riveting account of a call to a local convenience store.

At 2241hrs. Perry was asked to come to the store to remove an obnoxious person named, Ron.

When Perry arrived the clerk told him that Ron had left. He was described as a white male wearing khaki shorts and eyeglasses. You know, exactly how a “Ron” should look.

Perry cruise checked the area and the last line of his report says it all, “I was unable to locate “Ron.”

There is no indicator that “Ron” did anything other than go home put up a bag lunch for the following day and fall asleep in the recliner about halfway through The Tonight Show only to wake up at 0213hrs to shuffle off to bed after having a drink of water and feeling bad about being obnoxious at the convenience store earlier.

No offense to other people named “Ron” intended.

And don’t tell me you aren’t saying the word “Khakis” out loud in a similar voice and inflection as the guy in the State Farm Ads.

A man walked into a convenience store and promptly knocked over a bottle of wine in the back. This caused the already overworked clerk to walk back to clean up the glass and booze. Like a scene from an Italian restaurant, the clever and coy bottle-knocker chose “a bottle of red and a bottle of white.” What he did next could not be found in the lyrics of the classic Billy Joel ballad. He stuffed both bottles down his pants while the clerk toiled away on cleanup in aisle 3.

The man must have taken a wine pairing class at the local community college because the next thing he did was stop at the glass enshrouded, always heated, stainless steel roller filled hotdog heating instrument over near the chips. Upon his chafing arrival, he grabbed the ever present, delicious delicacy called the “Tornado.” The meat and cheese filled tortilla, pleasingly browned to a crunchy goodness, was then paired directly with the wines because he stuffed the Tornado down his pants as well.

Sometimes both wine and tortillas can be served at groin temperature.

He left the store, but officers have reviewed the tape. They intend on serving him a summons, and possibly an after dinner mint, once they locate him.

This story gives a whole new meaning to “wine cellar.”

A person spoke to one of our officers regarding being threatened by an individual whose spouse they are currently dating.

When these complaints occur, please don’t assume we are being judgmental when we raise our eyebrows. It is a natural reaction to hearing a story that we have heard many times before.

We can almost tell a complainant how it will all turn out, but no one wants our opinion. We get it. So we write down the information and try to give out a little friendly advice.

The advice is this; someone always ends up mad when you are dating someone who is married to someone else.


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