Mainers Who Park Like This at Events Are Causing Complete Chaos

Folks, we have a serious epidemic sweeping across this great state of ours, and quite frankly, it needs to be eradicated immediately. If we don’t act soon, our very way of life could be at risk.

Okay, that might be a slight exaggeration. But trust me, it’s bad. Like, really, really bad.

Recently, I attended a Portland Hearts of Pine game at Fitzpatrick Stadium in Portland. I, like many season ticket holders, have a parking pass for a nearby lot on the campus of the University of Southern Maine (Go Huskies!).

How Bad are Maine Drivers at Parking?

I was a little later than usual, so I ended up finding a spot on the second level, which isn’t too bad. I was thinking it wouldn't be terrible trying to leave—especially since I'm a normal human being who knows the MOST IMPORTANT RULE of parking for an event: back into your spot.

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Every driver knows that the most efficient way to leave in a civilized manner after a game is to back into your spot. If not, that’s when all hell breaks loose—you know, like fire and brimstone, plagues of locusts, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria.

As I was backing into my spot, because I'm a man of the people, I observed that others were doing the same. It was a relief, to say the least. However, there were also FAR TOO MANY VEHICLES that had just driven straight into their spots like absolute savages. I mean, we’re talking real anarchists here.

It was an absolute buzzkill, to say the least, but I wasn’t going to let it ruin the game. I mean, we’re talking about the most exciting thing going on in the city right now.

After the game, we get back to the car and, wouldn’t you know it, mass gridlock. WHAT A SHOCKER.

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There were just too many vehicles blocking traffic, trying to back out, turn around, and simply ruining it for the rest of us. You could literally cut the frustration with a knife.

On one side, you had folks like me who did everything possible to make it a smooth exit by backing into our spots. We were ready to merge in a civil manner and allow an easy, stress-free exit for all.

And then there were the true lunatics—those who clearly wished for complete chaos. And, as usual, that side always wins.

This is why we can never have nice things, folks. Nobody ever wants to play for the same team.

Shockingly, it took an incredibly long time to exit the parking garage, which meant I wasted even more of my life in a parking garage—so thank you to everyone responsible for that. I will literally never forget this.

Can Mainers Improve Their Parking Etiquette?

I plead with everyone out there: please, for the love of whatever you worship, back into your spot if you're parking for an event. It’s very easy to do and will make things so much more efficient for everyone when it matters most.

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If not, it’s just one more step closer to the end of civilization as we know it.

But maybe… we deserve that.