It's time for this week's "Got Warrants?" from our beloved, brave and hilarious Bangor Police Department. Yes, the folks that bring you the Duck of Justice bring you a weekly feature on their Facebook page that, as they describe it:

 “ is a moment during the week to reflect upon the fact that you did not make the list of people we were called to speak to, meet with, or interact with in some way. The stories are true. We strongly urge those without warrants to avoid being featured in this section. The best way to avoid a warrant is to avoid committing a crime. If that is impossible, you could always choose to show up to court when beckoned. It really is quite easy to avoid."

 

Let's get to this week's report: There are some doozies....

Officer Daniel “Not Rosie” Perez was sent to investigate a man who was presenting his “naughty bits” to others as he urinated while walking up the sidewalk.

He was described as-"appearing to be intoxicated,” wearing a blue flannel shirt, and a pair of blue jeans. When Perez found the man, he noted that the southern exposure was sufficiently obscured by the slightly dampened blue jeans.

Perez inquired about his level of intoxication and the man told him that he was simply under the influence of drugs. He said he had not consumed any alcoholic beverages, but he had been smoking a little marijuana.

The man claimed he did not pee in public as far as he could recall. He did state that his pants were loose and it was possible that they fell down by mistake and could have revealed his “nether regions” to passersby.

Perez told him, in essence, that it was offensive to others when he let his “running gear” get all “willy-nilly.” He was warned to keep things in their proper place, to stop urinating in public, and focus on walking in a straight line to his home.

He was given a disorderly conduct warning and Perez cleared the scene, but not before wiping his feet on the grass several times prior to getting into his police cruiser.

Officer Jordan Perry was unable to locate “an intoxicated white woman wearing a green shirt and crawling up the center of the road” on Dutton Street.

He arrived soon after the complaint was called in and determined that the woman was either a very fast crawler or had simply found the inner strength to return to the position of an upright biped and finished her trip on foot.

But wait, there's more....