A Message to ‘That’ Couple on Popham Beach in Maine

Dear Popham Beach couple,

First off, let me be honest. I started this message with every intention of going in on you. And, not that I suppose I won't still call what you're doing (or attempting to do, anyway) on Popham Beach absolutely asinine and ridiculous, I can say I won't be as harsh.

But honestly, what truly is it with people from the Tri-State area causing drama for and with us here in Maine every single summer?

Last year it was that rude, disrespectful New York Post columnist Cindy Adams who talked all the smack about Maine and the people that make it up -- calling us fat, insulting our fashion, and whatever other ridiculousness fell out of her mouth.

Then there are the tourists that visit Old Orchard Beach and poop everywhere.

And now, this year, it's you, a New Jersey couple from away up here in Vacationland causing drama and actually thinking you have some kind of stronghold over a beach. A public beach. Popham Beach State Park.

It's literally in the name -- the word "state." It'd be one thing if it was a private beach. But, newsflash -- just because you own a cottage on a public beach doesn't mean you own a massive chunk of the actual sand and dunes around it.

And that's literally what you're claiming, at least according to the CBS 13 article about this situation. I mean, props to you for assuming that because you own an expensive cottage, you also own a ridiculous amount of the beach and dunes in front of your cottage.

So, here's the thing -- you're not entirely wrong with some of your behavior, I suppose. But it's the whole approach. Because someone on Reddit heard about this whole situation and went deep diving -- I mean DEEP diving -- into land deeds, and they realized something.

So, that CBS 13 article says that you've legitimately requested $30,000 per summer from your neighbors because you believe you own the sand and dunes in front of their six beachfront cottages (which, I mean, if you're thinking you own the sand and dunes in front of your cottage, that's one thing, but the six cottages next to yours, too? That's a little overshooting it, don't you think?)

But here's where you're not entirely wrong -- that Redditor actually discovered that part of your neighbor's deck and boardwalk is partially on your property. So, while you're not entirely wrong, you mostly are, outside of a sliver of a deck and boardwalk.

But also, considering how insanely strong-minded Mainers are, especially to people from away.

So, slightly -- very slightly -- valid point. But overall horrible approach. Like your fellow Jersey-ite Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino would say:

Be better, not bitter.

(Also, the irony of me saying "be better, not bitter" as if this whole message isn't me being bitter I don't have a cottage on the beach. Insert your eye roll here.)