Pet Owners in New England Need to Cool It With the Costumes

As we head into winter in New England, I beg of you: please don’t make it worse by dressing your pet up for Halloween.

Or Thanksgiving. Or Christmas. Or when a Wahlburgers opens in your town. You look crazy, and the only reason people are acting scared of your cat’s costume is because they’re picturing what it wants to do to you.

Holidays, especially Halloween, are scary enough for pets. They’re already freaked out each time your “Sweet Caroline” doorbell goes off to reveal another group of tiny evil clowns and Gronks and John Cenas, palms open to accept some saltwater taffy and/or Keno cards.

There is no need to compound the matter by dressing your dog up as Peter Wolf or your parakeet as Larry Bird.

And no one is amused to see your pet duck dressed as “Ben Aflac!”, while we are downright peeved at your "New Kittens on the Block."

No, you may not use your pet as a Halloween accessory. If you are going as Steven Tyler? Fine. But under no circumstance shall you wear your pet snakes as his scarves.

This extends into the Christmas season as well.

I’m sorry to be the one to tell you, but there is no such thing as Santa Paws. There is no such character as Father Hiss-mas. Your eight hamsters will not enjoy their tiny antlers, nor New England’s first “wintry mix” as they pull a tiny sleigh around your lawn.

And for the record, Boston Pops conductor Keith Lockhart does not need anyone or anything to bark its rendition of “Sleigh Ride.”

Your pets deal with fireworks all summer. They watch, confused, as you yell at them for eating your Dunkins, yet purchase a saltlick for deer you don’t even know. And luckily, their color blindness spares them the indignity of the dyed-green water you pour into their bowl on St. Patrick’s Day.

Give your pet a rest this year, for if I see anyone holding something furry in a costume, I’m going to loudly say, “You got a wicked cute baby.”