Mainers Who Park Like This at Events Are Causing Complete Chaos, and I’m About to Lose It

Folks, there's a serious epidemic happening across this great state of ours, and it needs to be eradicated as soon as possible. If not, our very livelihoods could be at stake. That might be a slight exaggeration—but it's really, really bad, okay?

Let me set up the situation.

Recently, I attended a Portland Hearts of Pine game at Fitzpatrick Stadium in Portland. I, like many season ticket holders, have a parking pass for a nearby lot on the campus of the University of Southern Maine.

I ended up finding a spot on the second level, which isn’t too bad. I was thinking it wouldn't be terrible trying to leave—especially since I'm a normal human being who knows the MOST IMPORTANT RULE of parking for an event: back into your spot.

What is the Proper Etiquette for Parking for an Event?

Every driver knows that the most efficient way to leave in a civilized manner after a game is to back into your spot. If not, that’s when all hell breaks loose—you know, like fire and brimstone, plagues of locusts, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria.

As I was backing into my spot, because I'm a man of the people, I observed others were doing the same. It was relieving, to say the least. However, there were also far too many vehicles that had just driven straight into their spots like absolute savages. I mean, we’re talking real anarchists here.

It was an absolute buzzkill, to say the least, but I wasn’t going to let it ruin the game. I mean, we’re talking about the most exciting thing going on in the city right now. And it didn’t disappoint, as the lads won a huge game in front of yet another sold-out crowd. Tough news for the haters.

But I digress...

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After the game, we get back to the car and, wouldn’t you know it, mass gridlock. WHAT A SHOCKER.

There were just too many vehicles blocking traffic, trying to back out, turn around, and simply ruining it for the rest of us. You could literally cut the frustration with a knife.

On one side, you had folks like me who did everything possible to make it a smooth exit by backing into our spots. We were ready to merge in a civil manner and allow an easy, stress-free exit for all.

And then there were the true lunatics, those who clearly wished for complete chaos. And, as usual, that side always wins.

This is why we can never have nice things, folks. Nobody ever wants to play for the same team.

Shockingly, it took an incredibly long time to exit the parking garage, which meant me wasting even more of my life in a parking garage—so thank you to everyone responsible for that. I will literally never forget this.

Maine Needs to Come Together to Make Event Parking More Friendly and Efficient

I plead with everyone out there: please, for the love of whatever you worship, back into your spot if you're parking for an event. It’s very easy to do and will make things so much more efficient for everyone when it matters most.

If not, it’s just one more step closer to the end of civilization as we know it. But maybe… we deserve that.